Monday, May 15, 2006

The Blog Post Where I Gross Out ALL of My Readers...

Warning...there will be poop talk. Nothing graphic, but poop nonetheless.
(I usually put a graphic in my posts, but I googled 'poop', 'constipation', and 'gross', and came up with some stuff that you do NOT want to see. You're welcome.)

When you have an infant, or a toddler, a lot of your conversations and thoughts can revolve around the bodily functions...did she eat? Did she poop? She pooped? Yay! Of course, if she pooped on someone else's watch, all the better, because then YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP. Well, when Maya was 2 1/2, and had started pre-school, she had a teacher named Rekha, who was wonderful and kind and seemed to enjoy the children. When we would come to pick Maya up from school, she would report. "She pooped." This works best if you realize that Rekha was an older Indian woman, with a fairly strong accent. Suddenly, to say, "She pooped", and tilt your head to one side, it's kind of fun.

Then there came the point where life was no longer all about the poop. Not only was she potty-trained, but she no longer needed us to come in and help her wipe her butt on a regular basis. It was good, and all was right with the world. At that point, her poop became her own business, and much more of a 'don't ask, don't tell' issue, and we only needed to know about it if she had diarreah or was constipated.

This last week, however, was all about the poop. Ted had food poisoning. 'Nuff said there, becuase that's HIS LIFE, not mine, so I'm not going to go into detail. I shall instead bore you with the details of MY poop.

Some people are regular...meaning they poop every dang day at the same time, no problem, and if they miss a day, it's a real shocker, call the press, get some Ex-Lax or something. Me? Not so much. Do you remember Billy Crystal's character in The Princess Bride? Miracle Max? Well, he had to try to cure Westley, who was 'Mostly Dead'. Well, that's me. 'Mostly Regular'. Meaning I don't go every day, and I don't worry about it. When I start to worry about it is when I realize that I'm not sure the last time I pooped, and it's starting to get uncomfortable down there in the lower tummy region.

I don't like to treat this constipation with laxatives, if I can help it, and prefer to drink a lot of water, double up on the fruits and veggies, and do some yoga poses that are supposed to help. This time? Nothing worked. On Tuesday, I realized I wasn't sure when the last poop had occurred. On Thursday, I decided to have salad for dinner, rather than the leftover stew we had at home. So I stopped at Safeway on my way home from yoga, and picked up the only pre-made salad they had left in the deli section at 7pm...that was a mistake. It was the most disgusting thing I've attempted to eat in a LONG time. The dressing that came with it was a caesar salad dressing that was SO THICK it was like mayo. (Litehouse have been warned) Way too gross. So I ate as much of that as I could, and decided Chardonnay made a much better meal.

Friday, I kind of lost hope. I was uncomfortable, bloated, grumpy, and grossed out. So I bought some Correctol. I had hoped to do this naturally, but it just wasn't working. End of story? Relief on Saturday afternoon. In my head, I heard Rekha say, "She pooped". And all was right in the world again.

No comments: